


the impossibly beautiful now

by loveinheaven



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anticipation, Big Gay Love Story, Bisexual Female Character, Chronic Illness, Coffee Shops, Coming Out, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lesbian Character, Love Confessions, Love at First Sight, Major Illness, Near Death, Not Really Character Death, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Possible Character Death, Sick Character, Sleepy Cuddles, Terminal Illnesses, which is which?? god knows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 00:59:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13987047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveinheaven/pseuds/loveinheaven
Summary: elizabeth schuyler has six years left.maria lewis is determined to make every second of it worthwhile.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing this forever ago and i'll update if i ever get around to it. i just like it too much to let it rot in my google drive forever. if anyone wants to snatch this idea or write a story piggybacking off of it then please do(!!) but you gotta send me a link. i love reading other people's writing so much(!!!!!).

The day Elizabeth Schuyler first met Maria Lewis, she was nineteen. Eliza, as per usual, took a bus downtown on a chilly November morning to get a latte and catch up on schoolwork in a coffee shop for a few hours.   
  
Even her, the girl with the slightest tinge of social anxiety, managed to get her face to stop turning red every time she sensed that a stranger was looking at her. It had become a regular occurrence. She had also managed to get it through her head that nobody cares how she looks. So, here she was, in the middle of a coffee shop, wearing jeans and a tee shirt from King's College. Her brown hair was tied up in a messy bun, and her hazel eyes were partially covered by her black-rimmed glasses. Strands of hair fell around her face, framing her soft features. She sat at a table with her oxygen tank behind her, trying to keep it close to her body in an attempt to avoid tripping any strangers.    
  
And as per usual, her attempt was in vain. Within three minutes, Eliza felt a tug on her cannula, witnessing a girl about her age slip over the tube, falling to the ground before Eliza could even comprehend what she saw.   
  
"Oh my god, I am so sorry," Eliza stammered, extending a hand to help the girl up. For the first time in months, an encounter with a stranger made her cheeks flush. "I totally should have moved that under the table, that was all my fault. Are you alright?"   
  
Eliza didn't know why she was so nervous all of a sudden. A stranger trips over some part of her oxygen tank every day, more than once if she's lucky. Why was this time any different?   
  
Maybe because the girl she tripped this time was incredibly gorgeous.   
  
She had long, dark hair, tied up in a half-ponytail, and she wore the most gorgeous red top Eliza had ever seen. It exposed parts of her shoulders, the bright crimson contrasting against her darker skin beautifully. She wore lipstick the same color as her shirt, a bold shade of red, and her eyes were accentuated with dark, winged eyeliner. Eliza was entranced, but she couldn't put her finger on why.   
  
"Please," the girl in front of her responded, stifling a laugh. "Quit apologizing, you're making me feel bad now." The girl pulled up a chair at the side of the table directly across from Eliza, and without shame or doubt, she sat down. "I'm Maria, you?"   
  
Eliza smiled giddily. For the first time in years, she felt truly alive. "I'm Elizabeth Schuyler."   
  
Maria glanced down at Eliza's shirt, seeing that it proudly wore the King's College logo. "King's?" Maria exclaimed. "I go there too! How is it that we've never seen each other around campus?"   
  
Eliza shyly looked away, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Uh," she started to say, "I-"   
  
Maria nodded, interrupting. "Graduated already, then? You don't even look that much older than me!"   
  
Eliza finally became fed up and nearly cut Maria off, but was able to wait until she finished to talk. "No, I don't... uh..." Eliza trailed off, struggling to find words. "I don't live on campus. I've got an apartment a couple blocks away."   
  
Maria finally took this information in. She smiled, only slightly, and Eliza could have sworn that she saw Maria's deep brown eyes glisten just a bit. "Wow. I wish I had my own place. But, I mean, I had to move out, and living on campus was a pretty good option for me." Maria hesitated for a moment before continuing. "My mom kicked me out after she found out I was bisexual. Don't see her anymore," Maria stated matter-of-factly, following with a shrug.   
  
Eliza's heart sank, to hear that such a beautiful girl could be kicked out because of one little thing that makes her different. But hey, maybe this girl wouldn't see her cannula and think she was some sort of freak who lived in a residential hospital. This girl, Maria... this gorgeous girl sitting across from her... liked girls! Maybe, just maybe, she was single, too. Perfect.    
  
"I'm sorry," Eliza replied stiffly, overwhelmed. "I live with my mom, so we're really always together."   
  
"Nice," Maria replied. There was silence as Eliza observed Maria, who seemed to be studying her face. Maria's eyes traced up and down her cheeks, and landed right where every stranger's eyes always land.   
  
She was staring right at Eliza's nasal cannula.   
  
Eliza knew this would happen. Eliza knew that Maria would be just like the rest of them. She'd see that Eliza was sick, and she would immediately cut off the conversation out of fear that whatever Eliza had was contagious, and even looking her in the eyes would cause one to get sick with a deadly, incurable disease, almost instantaneously.   
  
But unlike the others, Maria didn't ask what was wrong with Eliza. Maria didn't ask if Eliza had cancer. Maria didn't ask if Eliza got to go to Disney because of her Make-A-Wish. Maria didn't ask if Eliza ever got told she looked like that girl from The Fault In Our Stars. Maria didn't ask. It was refreshing. But, knowing that she was curious, yet she was reserved, Eliza told Maria anyway.   
  
"It's cystic fibrosis."   
  
When Maria replied with a glance that read,  _ I have no idea what the hell you're talking about _ , Eliza continued.   
  
"Basically, in simple terms, there's too much mucus in my lungs. My lungs suck at doing their job, I guess. I've had it since I was born. It's a genetic thing."   
  
The first words out of Maria's mouth were, "I swear I wasn't judging you."    
  
Eliza began to reply. "I know you weren't-"   
  
Eliza's speech quickly morphed into a coughing fit. Within seconds, however, she got it under control. What she didn't realize, though, was that by the time she had started to cough, Maria was already at her side, patting her back until the choking subsided.   
  
"Are you okay?" Maria asked quietly, her hand still at Eliza's back. Eliza nodded slowly, trying to smile, her face red with what seemed to be a mix between humiliation and the blood rushing to her cheeks from coughing so much.   
  
"I'm so sorry you had to see that," Eliza replied weakly, occasionally coughing between words.    
  
Maria knelt next to Eliza, taking her hand. Eliza allowed it, almost too weak to decline.    
  
"You wanna come over to my dorm? It's not much, but... I'd like to get to know you better," Maria said, smiling warmly. She studied Eliza's face confusedly for a moment, then the knowledge seemed to wash over her. "What was your name again... Elizabeth?"   
  
Eliza laughed again, nodding and rolling her eyes.   
  
"You can call me Eliza."   
  
"Ah," Maria replied. "Five minutes ago, it was Elizabeth. You're Eliza now?"   
  
Eliza blushed uncontrollably at Maria's teasing. "Uh... anything's fine. I mean..." She stammered, nervously trying to keep her composure when talking to such a beautiful girl. "Call me anything you want."   
  
And Maria picked up Eliza's backpack from the back of her chair, slinging it over her shoulder. Eliza rolled her oxygen tank out from under the table.    
  
And the two girls walked off, hand in hand, back to Maria's dorm.


	2. Chapter 2

Eliza and Maria had known each other for quite some time now. This had been the sixth or seventh time they had spent time together one on one, but neither had spent time with the other in a larger group.   
  
Now, the two sat next to each other on Maria's couch, watching a baking show they both loved. Maria sat, propping her head up on her arm while leaning on the sofa's armrest. Eliza leaned up against Maria's side, and Maria habitually wrapped one arm around Eliza's shoulders, gently holding her there. Both of them believed it to be bliss, but both of them played it off as if it were nothing, fearful that the other would not feel the same way.   
  
It had been four and a half months since Eliza and Maria first met. It only took a day for them to both become friends, but over the course of those months, they learned more about each other. They discovered that they were both college freshmen, and both nineteen. Both girls loved baking-related anything. That, additionally, was part of the reason they finally settled on watching The Great British Baking Show. It was the single show they both loved.   
  
Eventually, the episode they were watching came to a close and Maria, without hesitation, turned off the TV. Eliza jumped a little when she did, as she was cuddled up close to Maria's side. She didn't mean to get so close to her, it just sort of... happened. Although, Maria didn't seem to mind.   
  
"It's been almost five months and I still feel like there are some things I don't know about you that I should know," Maria said, halfway engrossed in her own thoughts.   
Maria looked at Eliza, curiosity filling her brown eyes with light and with life. "Do you have any scars?"   
  
Eliza gave Maria a confused glance and finally spoke. "Uh..." she stammered, "W-what?"   
  
Maria chuckled. "You're precious," she said, her words heavy with honesty and a little bit of guilt for letting her feelings slip. "You heard me, I want to get to know you. Any scars?"   
  
Eliza nodded, giving Maria a nervous half-smile. She put her hand out and waited for Maria to pick it up. "The one on my pinky finger... I had just dealt with a breakup, I was a mess... and I needed some sense of closure, so I burned his letters. I brought my hand too close to the fire, so... that's where the scar came from."   
  
Maria gently ran her finger over the scar, barely touching it. After Eliza stopped talking, Maria lifted her head. "So... are you straight?" She asked abruptly, almost rudely.   
  
Eliza looked flustered. She tried not to show it in her voice, even though her face had already betrayed her. She flushed red.   
  
"Uh..." she stammered, casting her eyes down immediately. "Well, I... I don't really know, actually."   
  
Maria squeezed Eliza's hand gently. "Sorry to make this awkward. It's okay that you don't know, it's really not a big deal."   
  
Eliza sighed. Finally, she spoke again.    
  
"You won't judge me?" Eliza asked nervously, still not looking Maria directly in the eyes. Maria shook her head, replying with smile of reassurance, and Eliza inhaled.   
  
"I... I thought I liked boys for as long as I can remember. But... ever since my last breakup, I've been noticing girls, and... and I'm not sure if it's really me being bisexual, or if subconsciously I'm scared to meet another boy because I'm scared he'll break my heart just like the last one, you know? So... I'm sorry my sexuality is a confusing one."   
  
Maria smiled, intertwining her fingers with Eliza's. "You're really not alone. I had some... rough experiences with guys, if you could call it that. So, you can tell me anything. I won't judge you."   
  
"Okay, uh..." Eliza stuttered, hesitating slightly. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"   
  
Maria opened her mouth to reply, then stopped in thought. "That's a good one," she said. "I've never really thought about it, actually." She sighed, looking at her feet. "I think... I think I want one kid. Two at most. Hopefully I'd be married by then. Twenty nine years old seems like so long from now, but... it's really not that far away."   
  
Eliza gave a sort of wistful smile as she watched Maria tell about her hopes for the future. It seemed as if her eyes, for the first time that Eliza had witnessed, filled with hope. Hope that Elizabeth Schuyler would never have.   
  
"I want to graduate college with a high average, I hope that'll happen," Maria chuckled. "I want a happy family. A spouse who I love and who loves me, and quite possibly, I'd want some children, and... I don't know. That's all I know as of right now."   
  
Eliza looked away, evidence of her wistful expression still lingering on her face. "Wow. For someone who's never thought about her future, you know exactly what you want to do."   
  
"What about you?" Maria asked, and Eliza's open, honest expression turned defensive, afraid, insecure.   
  
"What do you mean, what about me? Ask me a better question."   
  
"That is my question."   
  
Eliza's eyes widened slightly, and the corners of her lips turned down in uncertainty.   
  
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"   
  
With that, Eliza inhaled. She found herself fingering the seam on her shirt absentmindedly, but she soon discovered that even something so simple as running her fingers over loose threads helped to keep her from getting lost in her own abundance of emotions.   
  
"Uh... well, in ten years... I hope to live without regrets," Eliza replied, then she fell silent. The room nearly echoed.   
  
"I could learn a thing or two from you," Maria replied in awe. "Anything else?" she prompted. "What about your family?"   
  
"They'll be happy. If I have any say in it... they'll be happy."   
  
Maria's face fell. Eliza, her sunshine, had never acted like this. What she said wasn't pessimistic, but the way she said it made her seem like she knew she was headed down a path of no return. She had never held such a negative outlook on anything. Why, of all things she could view negatively, does she choose to see her own future in a bad light?   
  
"Okay, well... what job do you hope to have then?"   
  
Eliza took a moment to think, soft echoes of younger versions of herself reminding her of all her past dreams and goals and aspirations.    
  
Younger Eliza had no grasp on what 25 years really was. She thought that in 25 years, she'd already be settled down with a full family and a stable job and everything she'd ever wanted. She would be fulfilled.   
  
Eliza remembered how nice being a six year old was. Six years of innocence, only two or three of those years being full of clear memories. It hurt her to know that she only had six years left, at the most.   
  
The older Eliza, the one sitting on the couch across from Maria wearing a nasal cannula, looking like a sad reflection of every stereotype, and every research hospital commercial, and every hopeless case, she knew the only answer that was true was "I don't know." So that's what she said, with tears in her eyes.   
  
Because for every one person who looks her way, there will be a million people who turn their backs.   
  
"Eliza?" Maria whispered, gently pushing up Eliza's chin with one finger so they were looking each other in the eyes. "I'm sorry if I'm upsetting you. You know I don't ever want to hurt you. I could  _ never _ hurt you, Eliza."   
  
Eliza still avoided eye contact, averting her gaze and looking to the ground. "I don't get ten years," she whispered, more to herself than to Maria.   
  
"What do you mean, you don't get ten years?"   
  
Slowly, Eliza's eyes filled with tears, threatening to spill over.   
  
"I don't... get... ten years," Eliza repeated, slower. "I've known this my whole life. There's no way in hell I'll live past 25. I'll probably only get 24," she choked, guilt and regret and hatred for whoever made her like this, all working together in diluting the sound of her voice.    
  
"You mean... you're already sure of this? For a fact?" Maria asked quietly, still trying to put the pieces together in her mind.   
  
Eliza nodded in response and finally allowed her tears to fall. They left tracks going down her cheeks, and when the tears no longer blurred her eyes, Maria could see that they had grown faintly bloodshot. Eliza choked on her tears once again, feeling simultaneously overwhelmed and numb.    
  
"The doctors confirmed it," Eliza said to Maria, regret tinging her voice. Her tears fell slowly, and she wiped them away with the sleeve of her sweater. "My cystic fibrosis is worse than most cases. I get six more years, Maria. I'm sorry... my god I'm so sorry," she sputtered, nearly falling into Maria's embrace. "I should have told you earlier. You have a right to know this."   
  
"No, no," Maria whispered, pulling the crying Elizabeth closer to her. "You don't have to tell me anything, you know that? You're not indebted to me."   
  
Eliza squeezed her eyes shut. The air in the room felt so heavy with guilt and grief that it was nearly palpable. Maria felt it, too: the air sitting between them, the air that was even becoming difficult for Maria to breathe. Coming from someone with perfectly good lungs, one wouldn't suspect that something as simple as a little tension would be enough to take her breath away.   
  
Or maybe it wasn't tension at all.   
  
Maybe it was the girl in front of her.   
  
The girl, the girl with the long, dark hair. The girl with the bloodshot eyes and tears streaming down her face. The girl with the burden of the knowledge that she wouldn't live to see twenty six.   
  
And Maria felt the tension again, the tension of the knowledge that they only had today. This great, wide world was so unforgiving that it only gave the two of them this one, single thing. The beauty of today.   
  
And Eliza was letting it slip through her fingers while she dwelled on the possibilities of tomorrow.   
  
So Maria held her close and talked to her until she finally stopped the flow of tears.    
  
Eliza slowly looked up at Maria, her eyes wide and bright and shining, a tear clinging to her lower lashes like a dewdrop.   
  
Eliza exhaled.   
  
"Thank you for not leaving," she whispered, relieved but refusing to show it. Not yet.   
  
"What do you mean," Maria questioned, still holding Eliza. "Where would I go? Why would I leave you?"   
  
And suddenly, Eliza's wide, hazel eyes were hidden behind her eyelids for barely a second, and when she opened her eyes again, the irises were focused on a spot on the floor, far away from Maria.   
  
"I'm not sure," Eliza responded. "I'm not sure why people leave, or where they go..." she trailed off. But Maria felt the smaller girl regaining some strength. She breathed in deeply, coughing. Her chest rattled. Maria rubbed her back.   
  
"All I know is that people don't want to be around someone who they know, for a fact, won't be around for their whole life."   
  
Gently, Maria intertwined her fingers with Eliza's. Her hands were cold, but Maria's were warm. Eliza felt the warmth of her hands and a sudden, inexplicable warmth surged through her entire body. She felt warm and she was fully conscious of the fact that she turned a very subtle shade of pink, and for a second, she felt her stomach churn and twist and leap, and she thought she would be sick, but then it hit her. She wouldn't be sick. Sickness feels awful. Eliza would know, she'd been sick her whole life. This wasn't awful at all. In fact, it was the complete opposite. This... this was nice.   
  
But if this wasn't sickness, what was this? It was something Eliza couldn't control, it was something she'd never felt before.   
  
Love.   
  
Maria sighed, seeing the joy in Eliza's eyes that came from something as simple as looking at her, and she felt the same joy fill her up and consume her and make her feel like a part of a whole. For the first time in a long time, she felt wanted and loved and cared for, and it was amazing.   
  
So Maria finally spoke.   
  
"I will never leave you.  _ Never _ ."   
  
Eliza gave a genuine, real smile. A laugh. A childish gesture, one that Eliza tended not to revisit unless the moment really called for it. But it did, right here, right now, in the wonder of that very moment, that second. So Elizabeth Schuyler gave an honest laugh.   
  
Maria was taken aback by this. She thought Eliza was laughing at Maria, laughing at her choice of words or what she meant by them or something strange that made Maria feel bad.    
  
"Why are you laughing?"   
  
Eliza cast her eyes down, a giddy and youthful grin still plastered on her face. "I just... I've never heard anyone promise that to me before. It's amazing, feeling so... so... wanted."   
  
Maria gave a smile, and it was one of the larger ones Eliza had ever seen, coming from her. "You  _ are _ wanted, Eliza," Maria whispered, and Eliza felt a brief second of that warmth return, taking over her whole body and sending a chill down her spine.   
  
Maria felt it, too. The spark that could've been nonexistent if it weren't for Eliza's unawareness and Maria's clumsiness. But that's why the two girls were so beautiful together. They were both equally flawed.   
  
And so Maria took Eliza's hand and held it tighter, and with her free hand, picked up Eliza's other hand and looked her in the eyes. Both girls felt it then, at the same time. It was wonderful. Eliza felt uneasy, but her adrenaline was coursing through her veins and she knew that everything would be okay, even if it was only for a moment. 

 

And Maria, Maria was scared, too. She felt as if she carried a backpack filled with the weight of the world, and that she was soon to be crushed by the sheer power of the universe and more than anything, she was helpless. Helpless to the beauty of this girl and the beauty of the world within which they were to meet and live and die, and helpless to everything that lie ahead of the both of them. It was all too beautiful.   
  
Maria's eyes darted back and forth between Eliza's eyes and her lips, knowing she shouldn't give in to her impulses, but feeling the pit in her stomach and knowing how much she  _ wanted _ to. She wanted to finally close the gap between them, and she thought Eliza wanted her to do the same, but there was no way to tell. But Maria wanted this so bad, and every fiber of her being was screaming to pull Eliza close, to kiss Eliza, to touch Eliza, to hold Eliza. Her gaze continued to wander back and forth between Eliza's wide, hazel eyes and her soft lips. It was like every moment, every second, every little piece of the fragmented universe had led them to be here, now.   
  
"Maria-" Eliza started, and before she could even get out a second word, she was cut off by a sentence she never thought she'd hear, especially coming from someone like  _ Maria _ , directed towards someone like  _ her _ .   
  
"Can I kiss you?"   
  
And suddenly, Eliza exploded from the inside out, her desperation finally revealing itself and causing her heart to pound and her cheeks to burn yet again, and everything was so perfect that Eliza could only let out a single word.   
  
"Please."   
  
And suddenly, there was no longer an inch of space between them. Maria was the first one to press her lips against Eliza's, and Eliza accepted wholeheartedly. She draped her arms around Maria's neck gently and allowed her hands to hang loosely as they kissed, slowly and tenderly and passionately. Their bodies were pressed up against each other, but not in a lustful way at all. It was all quiet and gentle with them, and all of the movements they made were slow and purposeful and everything was perfect.   
  
Eliza pulled Maria impossibly closer to her yet the kiss was somehow still gentle. Maria wrapped her arms around Eliza's waist and Eliza felt that rush of heat again, surging through her entire body and her entire being, making her feel so alive and so amazing, like she had never known what it was like to be sick. Maria just erased it all.   
  
And everything was gone except them. Every other piece of both of their lives just melted away and Eliza felt her burning need to live for today, to live for moments like  _ this,  _ reinstated.

 

Because this moment, right here, right now, with Maria’s lips on hers and Eliza nearly forgetting all her pain? It was impossibly beautiful.


	3. Chapter 3

“Wow,” was all Eliza could say after Maria pulled away from her.

Eliza wasn't like her sister. Angelica always had something clever to say, and words effortlessly slipped off her tongue whenever she needed them to. Eliza was different. She stumbled on words quite often, and when something as amazing as this happened, Eliza could never think of anything to say at all.

Maria laughed.

Eliza went red.

“No need to blush, ‘Liza,” Maria said. “God, you're so damn adorable.”

Eliza smiled. Grinned, even. She looked like a fool, but she didn't care. Maria Lewis just called  _ her _ … adorable.

The room went silent for a second, then Maria stood up.

“Where are you going?” Eliza asked softly, not wanting to make Maria think she was desperate or clingy or anything. Though, if she was being honest with herself, she very much didn't want Maria to leave.

“You know what we need?” Maria asked Eliza, partially in a rhetoric manner, not even bothering to turn around.

And then Maria disappeared into her kitchen, and seconds later, she returned holding two spoons and one mostly-full quart of ice cream.

Eliza looked at Maria like she was out of her mind, but then gave in with a shrug. Maria sat back down on the couch next to Eliza and opened the ice cream, handing Eliza a spoon.

Eliza took a small spoonful of ice cream and held it in the air for a toast. 

“To us,” she said, matter-of-factly, and waited for Maria to lift her spoon.

“To us,” Maria repeated, clinking spoons with Eliza. Both of them took their first bite, and Eliza sunk back against the back of the sofa.

“Rainbow sherbet, what an obscure taste,” Eliza remarked. She didn't exactly hate rainbow sherbet, but anything to spark a conversation between her and Maria had become absolutely golden, and she wouldn't dare miss an opportunity.

“You're eating it too, you know you love it,” Maria snarked back, sarcastically of course.

“Yeah, whatever,” Eliza giggled. “We both know that the only reason you eat so much rainbow sherbet is because you're a useless lesbian desperate for a pride statement.”

Maria swallowed another spoonful of sherbet before correcting Eliza. “Bisexual, actually,” she chided playfully. “But same difference,” she then said while scooping out another spoonful from the container.

Eliza rolled her eyes and laughed, shoving Maria ever so slightly. Of course, Maria lost grip of her spoon and the spoonful of rainbow ice cream went falling onto her light grey sweatshirt.

“Oh… Maria, I'm so sorry,” Eliza began, sputtering out apologies. 

“It's not a big deal,” Maria replied nonchalantly. “This was an old hoodie anyway.”

Maria then, without a second thought, unzipped the sweatshirt and removed it, tossing it aside and leaving her in only a tank top and her leggings. 

And god, was she gorgeous. Eliza felt awful about it, but she struggled to take her eyes off of Maria. Maria noticed, but didn't say anything about it. 

“So, uh…” Eliza stammered, desperate for something- anything- to distract her from Maria. “How did you come out? You know… ‘cause we were talking about, well…”

Maria rolled her eyes and took another scoop of the rainbow ice cream. “This,” she replied, gesturing to her colorful spoon before consuming the contents.

“That was… quite a day,” Maria began. “I was dating this guy named James, long story short he was a gigantic piece of shit. Well, uh… we were walking and talking one day when I said that I wanted to break up, cause I'd found a, uh… a girl I really liked. And James, he… um… he…”

Eliza slipped her hand into Maria’s. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.” She then remembered what Maria had said earlier that reassured her so much.

“You're not indebted to me.”

Maria smiled slightly before her face returned to exactly the position it was in two seconds ago. She shook her head.

“No. For my sake, I need to talk about this. If you don't want to listen… that's alright.”

Eliza lifted Maria’s chin tenderly. They looked each other in the eyes. “I'll listen to anything you want me to,” Eliza reassured her, and Maria smiled once more.

“So, James. He found out I was interested in a girl and he… he got violent.”

“Maria, I’m so sorry,” Eliza pleaded with her, as if it was  _ her _ fault James hurt Maria.

“And he told my mom, and my mom threw me out of the house, and James took me in. I was desperate, I had nothing, I needed somewhere to live while I finished high school, so I stayed in James’ apartment. He was eighteen, I was seventeen at the time. I didn't have a choice. I had to move in with somebody legal and I had no money and no way to get a job when I was covered in bruises and scars like that.”

“But you got out?”

“Eventually, yeah. I filed for a restraining order, but it got denied. Apparently it ‘wasn't severe enough for the police to get involved.’ Anyway, I wrote to King’s College and talked them into giving me a partial scholarship, took out some loans… then I ran away. He hasn't found me, not yet at least.”

Eliza looked down, giving herself a moment to take it all in. Then she responded, quietly.

“If he ever comes back, I’ll make sure he doesn't touch you. I swear on my life.”

Maria looked away shyly. “Don't put yourself in danger for my sake,” she said, worry crossing her face. And as an afterthought, she continued. “Plus, there's no way he would come back. Not now.”

Then the room went silent, and the only noise was that of a light rain falling outside.

“It's raining,” Eliza remarked, and Maria only nodded. They kept eating their ice cream until a loud crack of thunder hit, shaking the dorm in the slightest. Maria looked out the window as the lights flickered and lightning illuminated the half-dark house through the blinds. Eliza flinched, but remained calm.

“You scared of storms?”

Eliza shook her head. “No,” she began, looking down at the ground. “Uh, Alexander, my old boyfriend. He was really scared of them. Like… panic attack when it started to rain, scared.”

Maria’s eyes widened slightly. “Why’s he so scared of them?”

Eliza thought back to the first time Alex broke down in front of her. The first time he screamed out his brother’s name and clung to Eliza for dear life, his breathing labored and his entire body shaking so much it was nearly violent. And Eliza remembered the screams and the incoherent mumbles and then, suddenly, how he went silent, and after a moment of him shaking and nearly drowning in the sounds of his memories, he spoke. Soft mumbles, in Creole. Words Eliza would never forget.

_ “I don't want to die.” _

And she knew then, exactly why he was so afraid. She would never forget.

“A flood destroyed his home when he was seventeen. PTSD doesn't evaporate, I guess,” Eliza explained guiltily, almost feeling Alexander’s weight as he laid on her lap and cried again.

All Maria did was nod. “PTSD never goes away,” she said, mostly to herself. “No matter how much you want it to, it never leaves.”

“But you're strong,” Eliza replied. “And you are loved. And you’re exactly what I've been hoping to find in a person for what feels like all my life. It's different when someone leaves you over something you can't control. You're always going to be different after that.”

Maria gave Eliza a questioning glance, implying that she was curious and wanted to hear more. Eliza yielded to that.

“It was Alex. I don't think he meant anything bad by it.”

Maria grew increasingly defensive at hearing that. “How can he not mean anything bad by it? He broke your heart!”

Eliza remained calm and kept a half-smile on her face. “He didn't leave me because he stopped loving me. He left me because he knew it would hurt to lose me.”

“What do you-”

“Cystic Fibrosis, Maria.” Eliza snapped, her voice breaking with guilt when she said her love’s name. “We both know I'm going to die. Alex knew, too.”

“What? Why would he leave you?” Maria asked, her eyes now filled with tears. Eliza was emotionless.

“He needed someone he knew he could be with forever.” Eliza said guiltily. “A-and I would understand… if you felt the same way.”

Maria was almost hurt by Eliza's assumption. She bit back an audible gasp and whispered, “Never. I live for  _ now _ . For the moment, not as much for the future.”

And Eliza smiled very subtly, leaning up against Maria’s shoulder. Maria pulled Eliza close and began running her fingers through the smaller girl’s hair. She moved the sherbet container onto the side table, seeing the rainbow pastel colors seep together as the ice cream melted, becoming more beautiful as they merged. For a second, she thought about her and Eliza. How they are more beautiful together.

But Maria was not poetic, or clever, or a genius in any way. So the second she thought she felt Eliza’s body grow heavier against her own, she lost every trace of any thought that once came to her mind. She didn't know how long the two girls had been sitting in silence, but all she knew now was that her mind was empty and that she was so, so crazy in love with Elizabeth Schuyler.

And Eliza exhaled quietly, and her body grew heavier against Maria’s again, and it took Maria only a moment to look over and see that she was asleep, leaning against her chest with her arms wrapped around Maria’s waist. She was at peace, complete peace. Maria could learn a thing or two from her.

So, Maria left a soft kiss on Eliza’s forehead and leaned against the armrest of the couch, closing her eyes. She felt Eliza shift against her body, stirring, and then she heard her speak.

It was soft, but not a whisper. Quiet, but not too quiet. Just the perfect volume for when you have something you need someone to hear, but aren't quite ready to tell everyone yet. Speech between two people, and only two people.

And that's what this was.

“I love you, ‘Raya.”

Maria turned her head, opening her eyes to see if Eliza was awake. But her eyes were still closed, and she was still asleep.

So all Maria did was pull Eliza closer and whisper a reply, not caring if she heard it.

“I love you too, ‘Liza. So much.”

And Maria turned out the light.


End file.
